8/22/89 Frustration, Pain, & Disappointment, Part 2

I'm second from the left.

Today I came across many emotions: frustration, self-doubt, pain, disappointment and mixed emotions concerning the various elements. But tonight I felt something that pained me, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

I came to the Highlander desiring to make good, quality friendships and to spend time with people and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Before this past school year, I made a commitment to turn over a certain area of my life fully to the Lord, asking Him to take all the worries off my mind and to follow His sovereign and right guidance.

I gave the Lord my dating life.

About three and a half months before, I had broken up with my girlfriend, with whom I was going steady with for a little less than a year. She was going away to college and I was going to Japan on a summer missions trip and I prayed about the situation and thought it best that we depart as friends to ease the pain of good-bye. 

Well, all’s well and this past year I trusted the Lord to control my dating life, letting Him guide me to the people He wanted me with, etc. I really thought God was leading me to this one girl, named Tracy. Oh, what a fine Godly woman she was and is. I really felt sooooo happy around her. She made me laugh and feel carefree. And when she was sad or hurt, I would really, really feel for her as if her hurting was my hurting. 

The problem was that she didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had for her, and she knew my feelings because I told her how I felt about her. She lived very far from where I lived, and now is even further away in college. We’re still great friends and have very open conversations about how we feel, and stuff. But anyway, I, in my heart, am not giving up on someone so special to me just because of distance.

Well, anyway, as I thought of college and all the social activities it entails, I was hit with the question and issue of dating. I haven’t dated anyone for a whole year. School has been a full-time job for me, and I have a slight apprehensiveness about things at Houghton.

During the course of the Highlander Adventure, I made friends with just about everyone. They’re all starting to feel like family. There have been, I must admit, some that have “caught my eye”, so to speak.

Well, anyway, at one instance I felt very insecure in myself and in how others saw and viewed me. Am I truly and fully trusting Christ in this situation, or am I feeling sorry for myself? That is what I said to myself. What’s going to happen in the future? I don’t know. 

But all of a sudden I realized that Satan was inflicting doubt and lack of self-worth. Saying to me, “You’re alone and uninteresting to anyone.” I had thought that I conquered those fears and doubts, but it’s as if Satan brings them back at bad times to get your spirit down and make you doubt God’s sovereign plan for my life. 

Christ will never reject me. He has perfect timing. I must trust in Him totally and put aside all doubt; not be worried about everything. Let God take control, be patient. 

Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me when I, at times, lose trust in your plan. I’m near-sighted to what you hold in my future, but I’m willing to follow it, whatever your will is.