Solo, Part 2

Thank you Lord for a beautiful night. The sound of the flowing and trickling stream was so peaceful and relaxing. The still air and vivid darkness makes your senses attuned to all of creation. The stars shone brightly in their full intensity and I sat in wondrous awe of God’s infinite greatness, realizing that God is bigger and greater than the vast universe and he loves little me so much that he sent his son here to die for my sins. I love you Lord, and thank you for dying for me so that I might have eternal life.

I thank God also for keeping the embers of my fire still hot so that I might have a fire this morning. God is so good to me. After the fire was started, I spent time just focusing on the Lord, praising him and giving him glory. I sang spontaneously as words of praise just flowed from my lips. I felt so close to God at that time.

His presence was with me and as I sang praises to Him and read scriptures expressing his power and greatness. Tears of joy and thankfulness came from my eyes. It is such a thrill to know and spend quality time with the Lord, in his awesome and glorious creation. I truly wish that I could spend time such as this Solo, more often! Today is another beautiful day. The sun is shining brightly and there is a cool breeze blowing.

Solo, Part 1

I can’t believe it. I’ve looked forward to this time for so long and here it is.

Well anyway, I’m here at my site. I’ll be here for two nights and a day. All I have with me is what I’m wearing, a flashlight, knife, three matches, some snack food, a little water, my sleeping bag, plastic, journal, and bible.

I arrived at my site and at first look I really wasn’t happy with it. I’m at the river’s edge in the marshy bushes below a steep hill, under a few trees. I knew I had a lot of work to do, so I got tons of firewood and designated my spot for the fireplace.

Within a triangle of downed, dead trees, I laid out flat rocks as a solid and firm stone floor within which I would erect my fire. I got started and soon began to really like my spot. I thanked God for it and praised him for what I had. I decided to start my fire. My small teepee was set up of small twigs.

I lit my first match—and I broke the top. Oh no! Only two matches left. I had to get it on the next try. Lord, I prayed. I ask you to help me get my fire started just as you started my soul on fire for you. I need its light and warmth. Thank you.

I struck the next match, and poof! It burst into flame. I slowly started adding small twigs and gradually moved up to heavier-sized ones as the fire grew. I was so very thankful for the Lord’s answer to my prayers.

I now have a raging two and a half foot bonfire that I pray will burn through the night and have enough coals to start up another fire in the morning.

Oh, look up at the sky! The stars are out again in full force. How good God is to me. I thank you Lord for saving my soul and making me whole. Thank you Lord and now I ask you to give me a good nights sleep and keep me dry also. Good night.

Rise and Shine

We’ve got to pack up because we’re leaving soon. All of the Highlander groups are now together and will leave together. It has been a while since I’ve seen the others.

I’ve grown so close to the members of my group and the other groups we were with that I hardly recognize the people from the other Highlander groups. But I’ve already started to make friendships with the others. They’re a really great bunch of people, too. I hope I can make the same level of friendships with them as I did with the people I my group.

 I really enjoyed getting to know my group. I now can safely and happily say that I have accomplished one of my many goals—a very important goal—that was and still is to make long-lasting friendships before college starts. God has also really worked in my life during this time, unlike any other time in my entire life.


Well, here we are on our point of departure. Our packs are on and off we go . . . 

Time to go solo.

A Night Under the Creator's Handiwork

  The final part of the trip. Last night, before the trip, I and about twelve others slept outside to view the stars. They were out in full force, and I heard from Greg that tonight was the tail end of a previous meteor shower. It was so beautiful. We all sang songs and thought of God’s mighty and awesome power.

To personally know the Creator of all earth and heaven is almost too incredible to fathom. I saw about eight shooting stars and also an orbiting satellite. During the (seemingly) very early hours the moon came around and shone so bright and intense that it was as if it were daylight. I had always wondered why it was that when the stars are out in full force, that the moon doesn’t appear. But last night I found out where it was hiding. It really took my breath away (and I haven’t even brushed my teeth in about a day and a half!).

Well anyway, I managed to get some sleep after Dan and Kim stopped singing, and Eric and Julie stopped talking. Man, they talked for hours on end, I couldn’t believe it. During the night we all noticed that our sleeping bags, which were on plastic sheets, were becoming damp and in the morning we woke up with the top sides of our bags soaked. It was awful, but the view and fun we had last night made it all worthwhile. You don’t get to see a view that beautiful and unaffected by lights in New York City.

8/24/89 PART 2 OF FIFTH DAY BACK AT THE ROCKS. . . .

 Sometimes God doesn't give us the success we long for, and we're consumed with frustration and failure. Here's what happened to me.

PART 2 OF FIFTH DAY
BACK AT THE ROCKS. . . .

The first climb I attempted was Showpiece. I was on that rock for an hour and twenty minutes. I just couldn’t reach around that large flake. I just lost all strength. It was so frustrating. There were many times when a small surge of strength came back and it got me a little higher, closer to my goal, but I just couldn’t get any further. I tried and tried and just couldn’t. I asked the Lord for strength and believed that I would make it past that hard half-way point, but I was just too burnt out.

All I could think about was yesterday's climb on Rogue Gallery. There I was, stuck, and I relied totally on the Lord. I asked for strength and in a full-fledged last effort I received the strength to climb up and over. I could just feel the Lord with me.

On the Showpiece climb I could feel the Lord with me all the way, but I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t making this climb. Why was the Lord withholding from me the success of that climb? I could see that my belayers were tiring and had to change, and Bob was telling me that I’ve been up for a long time. But I didn’t want to give up. I wanted that rock so bad!

The Lord didn’t, though.

He had different plans and they were contrary to my desires. I now think that I was wanting the success of getting to the top and not believing in the in the total success of giving it my total best, 110%! I had to let go of the pride there was inside that was hindering me and starting to block-out my trust in God and the crucial moment.

After one last attempt, which failed miserably, I had to accept that what I had attained was my limit, physically, at the time. I got down and almost collapsed from exhaustion, but in the eyes of my friends I didn’t fail.

For I had given my very best and that’s all they expected.

It was so encouraging to know that. I reached my limitations and was stretched far beyond anything before. I’m so thrilled to have been on this trip.

A long while after my attempt at Showpiece, I heard Bob say that it was time to start wrapping things up. I wanted to do one last climb before we left and didn’t know if I would be able to because of the time and, mostly, because of my exhausted muscles. At that moment the Finali climb was free and a last invitation to climb was given. No one else wanted to climb, so I said that I would like to.

I soon started up the cliff and found it slightly difficult in the low sections, but as I passed those spots I started enjoying myself and rebuilt my confidence in trusting the Lord to guide me to my goal and limit. I made it to the top and felt slightly “redeemed”, but it was a much easier climb than the Showpiece, which was rated as a 5.8-5.9 climb.

I learned so much about myself in these two days. The challenges were stretching and exhilarating and I would do them all over again whenever the opportunity arose.

8/24/89 Procrastination & Consolation

Have you ever felt a strong urge to share Christ with someone . . . and didn't? Me too. Read on for the story.

Fifth Day 

Actually, I just made a mistake. I meant to write about something that happened last night after the campfire, but technically it may have been just very early this morning.

Last night my tent-mate Eric started talking to me about something he had on his mind. It was weird because he and I were really tired and what he was talking about was really from the heart. It was something serious. I can’t really say what, but it was something that was bothering him and he needed someone to tell.

We talked and listened to each other. Actually, Eric talked the most and I listened. He had to get some things clear in his mind, which he did. I also talked about a similar experience and gave my testimony, which was similar to his. We related to each other and found consolation and comfort that it was the Lord who brought us both out of our situation.

Eric later talked about a school friend he knew who needs the Lord but he hasn’t told him. The whole time he was in school he never told this friend about Christ, but he still keeps in touch with him. I saw in Eric a picture of myself when I was in the ninth grade. I could have told this one close friend of mine about Christ, but my life didn’t exemplify it at all. I thought about it, but didn’t.

Then later on, after I had put aside my silly selfishness and started to truly live for Christ, I felt the desire to see this friend of mine get saved. The very next day I went to school all psyched to witness to my friend Joe, but I went to class and he wasn’t there. Day after day went by and he didn’t show up. I started wondering and worrying where he was. No one knew when I asked. I later asked a teacher who knew, and Joe had moved and transferred schools. I lost my chance and opportunity. I may have been the only one to tell him and I blew it. Boy, did that hurt my spirit. I now use that experience to tell others and not procrastinate and to not be ashamed.

After Eric and I talked, we both prayed and asked God for the determination to press on after our friends and family that don’t know Christ as savior. We also thanked God for giving us the desire for souls and asked Him to increase that desire. I really felt God’s presence among us last night.

Eric and I have a much stronger friendship and trust. In the future I feel confident that I can come to him with problems or just to talk. Thank you, Lord, for Eric and Your work in his life. And thank you, Eric, for opening up and sharing your life with me.

To be continued ...

8/23/89 Wet Sleeping Bags & Rope Burn

I can’t believe it. I mean, it’s the total opposite of what I had planned.

Last night I thought to myself [and noted from past experience] that either the morning dew or rain will always give you a wet tent and sleeping bag. So what I do is take my large plastic bag and put the bottom half of my sleeping bag inside. I do that thinking that I’ll have a dry sleeping bag and feet that aren’t soggy in the morning.

Now, can you guess what happened?

I woke up to find myself dry, my mat dry, the tent bottom dry, Eric and his sleeping bag dry, and the bottom of my sleeping bag wet! Of all things. Well, I thought and came to the scientific fact that heat generating from within an enclosed plastic covering produces moisture condensation. I’ve also learned never to sleep inside a plastic bag. Boy, I’ll never do that again. I’m glad I learned that early.

Jogging, I learned, was so much fun that I’ve decided to get into a regular schedule every day (starting the week AFTER Highlander!) I really enjoy it and have found that it’s one of my strengths. I hope to one day join the cross country team at Houghton, but I will just trust the Lord for His leading. Thank you, Lord, for my health and my ability to run, and may I use it to bring glory and honor to your name.

Here we are at the climb. . . Woe and wow! It’s incredible, awesome! The expressions on everyone’s faces are a sight in themselves. The sky above the top ridge is beautiful and also the view is tremendous.

I just belayed and my hands are killing me. Anna was climbing and she had a tough climb element, the Army Days climb. She struggled at times, but was determined not to give up. Anna is really a person who fully commits herself to whatever she does. She has really taught me a lot about self-confidence. She also changed her perspective and searched every angle fully. From that she chose her route and succeeded to the top carabiner. She fully trusted me and I then felt the unity between her and I in my climb. We relied on each other and trust in God to pull her through.

I MADE IT! I’VE CONQUERED ROGUE GALLERY!

My first climb. It was attempted by Terry and Rich, both of which tried super hard with strong determination, but just got worn out and frustrated. Matt later tried and made it. I followed Matt and made it too. That really felt good and built my confidence. I learned to trust in the strength of my arms and the rock and the Lord. . . TOTALLY.

My next climb was Rogue Gallery. I again followed Matt, who did an excellent climb. I got hooked up and started up. It was fairly easy up to the cave part. But once under there you couldn’t see where to go. The tree right there is so tempting to use but it really doesn’t help you. You really have to trust in your feet to push you out and over. I tried and failed at the attempt, but I really asked God to give me the strength because I was being quickly drained of all, and I mean all my energy.

But even after, I still slipped and boy, was I scared. I got closer but only very slowly. I had to jam my arm in the crack but, unfortunately, my right arm was still really sore from rope burn. The pain was so intense and the task so difficult that failure was flashing before me.

I really didn’t know whether I would make it or not. The Lord really revealed to me a lot about myself, there in that awkward spot. But I surged forth with my every last bit of energy and reached above to a better hold. I then had made it. The encouragement from above and below was so needed and helpful. I felt like part of a family, really. Thanks, everyone, for your faith in me and thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength and protection.

8/22/89 Frustration, Pain, & Disappointment, Part 2

I'm second from the left.

Today I came across many emotions: frustration, self-doubt, pain, disappointment and mixed emotions concerning the various elements. But tonight I felt something that pained me, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

I came to the Highlander desiring to make good, quality friendships and to spend time with people and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Before this past school year, I made a commitment to turn over a certain area of my life fully to the Lord, asking Him to take all the worries off my mind and to follow His sovereign and right guidance.

I gave the Lord my dating life.

About three and a half months before, I had broken up with my girlfriend, with whom I was going steady with for a little less than a year. She was going away to college and I was going to Japan on a summer missions trip and I prayed about the situation and thought it best that we depart as friends to ease the pain of good-bye. 

Well, all’s well and this past year I trusted the Lord to control my dating life, letting Him guide me to the people He wanted me with, etc. I really thought God was leading me to this one girl, named Tracy. Oh, what a fine Godly woman she was and is. I really felt sooooo happy around her. She made me laugh and feel carefree. And when she was sad or hurt, I would really, really feel for her as if her hurting was my hurting. 

The problem was that she didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had for her, and she knew my feelings because I told her how I felt about her. She lived very far from where I lived, and now is even further away in college. We’re still great friends and have very open conversations about how we feel, and stuff. But anyway, I, in my heart, am not giving up on someone so special to me just because of distance.

Well, anyway, as I thought of college and all the social activities it entails, I was hit with the question and issue of dating. I haven’t dated anyone for a whole year. School has been a full-time job for me, and I have a slight apprehensiveness about things at Houghton.

During the course of the Highlander Adventure, I made friends with just about everyone. They’re all starting to feel like family. There have been, I must admit, some that have “caught my eye”, so to speak.

Well, anyway, at one instance I felt very insecure in myself and in how others saw and viewed me. Am I truly and fully trusting Christ in this situation, or am I feeling sorry for myself? That is what I said to myself. What’s going to happen in the future? I don’t know. 

But all of a sudden I realized that Satan was inflicting doubt and lack of self-worth. Saying to me, “You’re alone and uninteresting to anyone.” I had thought that I conquered those fears and doubts, but it’s as if Satan brings them back at bad times to get your spirit down and make you doubt God’s sovereign plan for my life. 

Christ will never reject me. He has perfect timing. I must trust in Him totally and put aside all doubt; not be worried about everything. Let God take control, be patient. 

Thank you, Lord, for forgiving me when I, at times, lose trust in your plan. I’m near-sighted to what you hold in my future, but I’m willing to follow it, whatever your will is.

8/22/89 Frustration, Pain, & Disappointment, Part 1

I just came from my couple time and I have to say that I enjoy that time the most. I’ve learned so much about myself and about what God wants for me. Anna and I have really grown closer and have been able to share experiences that are very hard to talk about. We share similar experiences and can understand each other’s feelings. It feels so good to know someone understands your feelings.

Frustration! Man, was I frustrated! I just came from the Bowston Chairs. Ugg!! It was early in the morning. It was my first attempt of the day and boy, did my body and muscles ache after last night’s surprise swim in Houghton’s refreshing pool. Their HOT WATER SHOWERS! Clean and fresh smelling toilets, cold water fountains and this morning’s very early jog that was a bit lengthier than yesterday’s.

But anyway, I got on the balance beam and I was mentally calm and relaxed, but my legs shook by themselves. I don’t know why. After making it across I got on the first swing fairly easily. Then, caught the second by swinging. The most frustrating part about going from swing to swing was the fact that my self-belay line would always tangle around the swing I was on, so even when I had grabbed the next swing, I had to sometimes let it go to just untangle myself. 

To add to the frustration, my hands burned from those ultra-coarse ropes. I received my first real initiation, rope burns and hand blisters. But I trust the Lord in His Word which says that, “He who has started a good work in you will finish it unto it’s completion.” (slightly paraphrased). But I started the day asking the Lord to carry me through the day safely and with good spirits.

So, as I started the Bowston Chairs I knew I had to finish them. The frustration made it very difficult to see myself finish and with good spirits and attitude. But when I did finish, it felt so good. Thanks, God, for believing in me and having patience with me when I lose trust in you at times. Help me to become stronger in trust.

Now, ONWARD to the element with more experience and trust in the Lord!

Severe PAIN has just been experienced! I was unaware that when on the tail (swinging) en of the Walinda Walk element, one should aways wear sweat pants (check!) and a sweatshirt. Now, judging from the size and pain of the rope burn on my arm, you can guess which piece of required clothing I was without. But I’ll tell you. . . IT SURE WUZ FUN TRYIN’!

Note: TO HIGHLANDER ROPES CREW: In the future, a padded wrap around that coarse rope of the cargo net would be most appreciated by all. Thank you.

Disappointment. . . Today we left early for the rock climbing and I never got a chance to get on the zip line. I was really looking forward to riding it. But, as things had it, I only got to watch. There were a couple other elements that I missed. But I can understand that there is a time element, too. You can’t spend all day on the ropes. Oh well, that’s the breaks.

I now have an even stronger desire to become a Highlander leader. Not just to finish the ropes course completely, but to spend time teaching others the valuable lesson I’ve already learned. I’ve always been a patient person. It is an area the Lord has really developed in me, so I take this experience and trust in the Lord’s perfect timing.

8/21/89 Second day of Highlander

Excellent! Fabulous! Great! Awesome! Radical! Etc. Etc.

Today was a blast! I felt emotions & feelings that I either haven’t felt in a while or never felt at all. Out of all the elements, the most trying for me (so far) was the Dangle Do. I stood and encouraged everyone and even belayed quite a few times. I was the second to go. I had sent everyone do it and heard that it was difficult. Boy, were they right. On the fourth and fifth run you have to balance and lunge yourself to the next rung. I had the courage and determination but my left leg wouldn’t push me further.

This was an element that taught me a lesson about my limitations and fears. I made failing attempts and tried again and at last succeeded. It took the encouragement of my friends, trust in the Lord’s promise of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Also trust in my belayer. There were points at which feelings of self-doubt set in, but were all quickly over-rided by the Lord’s promises. I guess it’s just like life: we’ll come across many obstacles which we have to overcome to move onward and upward. And it’s only through total trust in Christ that will help you succeed.

Other challenges were the Pamper Pole. Climbing up was exciting, yet increasingly fearful, for the pole swayed as you approached the top. On reaching the top platform you have to slowly and carefully hoist yourself on top. Never look down, for if you do you’ll lose your concentration. You want to focus on something ahead of you, get your stable balance, then complete your task of getting the trapeze. In your Christian life we are faced with fears, trials, problems, etc., and if we don’t focus our mind and heart on the solid rock of Jesus Christ, we lose our concentration and stumble and fall spiritually.

Trust totally in his caring guidance and wisdom. Also in belaying, we have to give commands to each other . . . “On belay . . . Belay on . . . climbing . . . Climb on . . . Off belay”. These simple commands are for the purpose of safety, to make sure the belayer and climber are both ready. In the same way, God gives us commands all through the scriptures. They were made to keep us out of trouble and safe. If we disobey and neglect or shun these commands, we get ourselves hurt. This disobedience in turn hurts God’s loving heart. Trust and obey God.

First Journal Entry: 8/20/89

Heading out into the wilderness. My niece, Emily, wears my favorite Maxell shirt now.

Before my freshman year at Houghton College began, I participated in an outdoor class called Highlander. We were asked to keep a journal each day detailing what we did, and what God was teaching us. Being an artist, I couldn't help adding some illustrations.

First Day
Friendship & Trust. Yes. I can truly say that those were the 2 most valuable things I learned today. There was also a quick and strong spiritual unity among my new companions.

 The first element of the day was the trust-fall. I’ve done this before but falling backwards . . . freefall is not such a comfortable feeling. As I stood atop the platform and fell backwards into the arms--the secure arms--of my companions, the first emotion was sudden fear, but a split second later, while in mid-air I felt a calm sensation. The calm set in the second I put my total trust in my friends below.

This can be exactly compared to the trust you put in the Lord. Before we accept Christ as savior we have an internal fear that He may “ruin” our lives; be a big “killjoy”. But that’s the exact opposite of what he has in mind. 

When we put our total and complete faith in Him we experience the greatest joy and peace--ever. In life we can’t stand alone—we need Christ & He wants us to trust Him. He stands with open arms, secure and loving arms that will never leave you or forsake you. And when you lean back into his arms and realize the security within, then an amazing peace overcomes your spirit. And also as when you’ve fallen into His arms he hugs you and loves you as his child.

A Walk in the Clouds

Here's an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote while flying to Japan on my final missions trip:

June 10, 1991 The most wonderful view so far on this trip was flying through the jumbo, billowing clouds that hovered high above the Great Lake Ontario.

Clouds are, to me, the most relaxing creation of God to my eyes. I love to stare at them and imagine romping through them, light as a pillow, but hence, my feet only allow me to walk the hard, shin-splinting pavement.

However, at this moment in flight I was right next to the colossal, cotton candy mountains. They really do look like cotton candy, no lie. The perspective and proportion to being up close and into the clouds as opposed to prudently viewing them from the ground is beyond belief. Huge chambers, courtyards, lagoons, notches of seclusion were all formed but unoccupied by any life, except that of birds and metal birds, such as the noisy infusion of my jet airliner.

I longed to explore these cloud puff caverns and hideaways, but I would only have the chance to view them, for I would soon pass them by in a disrupting roar, and the cotton candy mountains of imagination and explorative bliss would they themselves blow away to form new creations. I thank the Lord for such a view of beauty and peace.

One day I will have that chance to frolic in the clouds, rejoicing in the salvation and love of God.

Three months and ten days after this journal entry, I got my wish.

1971 to Eternity

Today is June 1st. My birthday. I would have been 40 years old today. Twenty years ago, I was in a car accident that took my life and the life of my friend Jim. This September 25th marks the end of my second decade in heaven.

My family found my journals and letters that I left behind. They thought some of the things I wrote about and struggled though might encourage others on their own journey. I hope and pray that's true, and that each of you reading this blog will join me in heaven one day.

I'll be waiting to welcome you.

My friend Jim on the left, Eric in the middle, and me on the right. Jim and I were in the car when the accident happened.